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The more I reflect the more clearly do I percieve that love and
friendship are no otherwise distinguished from each other than in
name. Friendship therefore can be understood rightly only by those
whose bosoms have felt the emotions of love. Friendship constitutes my
felicity. Without a friend I am miserable. Power! Riches! Reputati[gap]
Sounds of mine unmeaning emptiness! The discovery of a kindred
Spirit would indeed afford me pleasure and rconcile me to
existance, and I live only in the expectation of deserving a friend.
"What (do I not hear you say?) do you not find a friend in
me?' No, let me perish if I do. Mistake me not however.
I must again repeat, that friendship is, perhaps, more pure
but certainly not less violent than. ^{‸ love} Between friends there must
exist an perfect and intire Similarity of dispositions. Not only
the same excellences but the same defects must be common to
both. Soul must be knit unto Soul. The fictions of Romance
must be realized—They must adhere to each other, by a kind
of magnetical influence. Their bodies may be removed to a distan
from each other but the union of their Souls can never be disolved
To the loss of a friend all other calamities are light. O thou
least supportable evil! Have I not encountered thee? And have
I survived the combat? What motive could prolong my
being, when I was bereft of that which only endeared
existance? Being! What is it but a burthen? Let me throw
it from my shoulders. Is it easy to get from under it? Nothing
more easy. Is any preparation necessary? None. To perish forever
To sleep without Interruption—How desirable and yet how dreadful.
—— Horrid phantoms! Vanish I command you! Memory Avaunt!
Thou conjurest up the images of past joys, to deepen the gloom
that involves my imagination, to overwhelm my reason with


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despair and push me to the edge of a frightful precipice.

What can occasion these melancholy thoughts? Would
you believe me should I till you that they arise from some
of the incidents of Saturday. What are the incidents to which
I allude? I will not mention them. You will be unable to
concieve the relation between the cause and the effect.
I am not formed for the station which I occupy. My sencibility
is too exquisite. There are too many causes of vexation and despon
=dency. Unless the constitution of the world be altered, I never
shall never be without disquiet and anxiety. All this will
be unintelligible to you untill you become more thoroughly
acquainted with me, but in proportion as you know me
better, you will pity or despise me more —— —

X X X X X X X X X X

Monday Morn. 6 OClock~

I have slept, and as I find no occupation more agreable than
this I will continue. What strange Jargon have I written above!
Read it and forget it. Let it be, as if it were never written.
I am ^{‸ almost} determined to cancel it, but let it go. Let it recieve the
mildest and most favourable construction, or rather, after
having perused it, let it find no place in your thoughts.
Permit me, my friend, in this more solemn and deliberate
manner to return you my Sincerest thanks for the treatment
which I recieved while on the banks of Delaware. I shall not
attempt to extenuate the impropriety of visiting you without
an invitation. I intended to stay but a single day; and to have
resided at Woodberry, but, when I arrived at that place and
found you absent, I could not resist the inclination to see you


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and therefore proceeded, not without hesitation and reluctances,
but with a firm resolution to return in the evening, but the
pleasure which your company afforded me, stiftled stifled every
other ^{‸ sentiment} I sacrificed Civility to friendship, and stayed with you
in opposition to prudence and propriety. Forgive the action for the
motive from which it originated. There are few persons who
are more successfull in concealing their emotions than myself
My departure was the triumph of reason over passion, of pruden
and propriety, over my wishes and pleasures. For could I not
live with you forever! without impatience or satiety? I could

Witness

C. B. Brown ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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To Wilkins
with date
E