―187―For the Literary Magazine.
the spirit of female conver-
sation.
A GENTLEMAN who had very
early lost his sense of hearing, but
not till he had acquired a competent
knowledge of reading and writing,
and of consequence secured to him-
self the sure means of intellectual
improvement, and even of conver-
sation, has often expressed to me
his feelings while sitting in a nu-
merous company, and observing by
the motions of the eyes and lips that
those, round him were busily engag-
ed in talk. Besides a great deal of
regret that he could not share in
this lively intercourse of thoughts,
he has often been penetrated with
wonder and curiosity as to what
topic was handling, or what discus-
sion going forward.
I have sometimes gratified this
curiosity by conveying the desired
information to him by means of the
pen; but in almost all cases his for-
mer wonder has only been supplant-
ed by new surprize, at the seeming
eagerness and interest which the
talkers had displayed upon the sub-
ject before them. In his eye, these
topics were usually so trite and fri-
volous, that he could not compre-
hend by what magic they could be
made to interest a rational being.
I was lately with him in a com-
pany of half a dozen ladies, all of
whom had passed the age of dolls
and toys, and all of whom were res-
pectable for the good sense and dig-
nity of their characters. My friend
sat, as usual, very attentive to the
discourse with his eyes, and very
inquisitive as to what was passing
before him, with so much vivacity
and earnestness of gesture and looks;
and having a high opinion of the
merits and accomplishments of the
ladies present, he displayed after-
wards a move than usual anxiety to
know from me on what subjects five
or six ladies had thus spent some
talkative and animated hours.
I endeavoured to satisfy his wishes
by informing him, that each lady
had contrived to throw into the com-
mon stock of useful knowledge, the
following important particulars:
first, what flowers she was most
fond of, together with the history of
the identical orange tree, rose bush,
or the geranium shrub, which was
her favourite; including the unlucky
tricks or negligences of the bound
girl, Sukey, or the black boy, Tom,
by which the poor flower had been
exposed to many imminent dangers
from vernal frosts, frisking kittens,
or pilfering beggar women.
―188―Next came a dissertation upon
favourite birds, in which the history
was given, including the untimely
and lamentable death, by luckless
falls, mischievous boys, or ruffian
cats, of a beautiful goldfinch from
Bourdeaux; a mocking-bird, who
had by heart as many tunes as
Haydn; and a canary, who had es-
caped a dozen storms on its passage
from Holland, and who drew its own
water and unlocked its own cup-
board. The comparative merit of
singing birds was now warmly dis-
cussed; and one lady threw in a hint,
which was not attended to, about
the nightingale, which European
poets talk about so much, but which
American readers know only by
description.
Next came upon the carpet the
qualities, and especially the prices
of fruit. Each one took this opportu-
nity of telling which she preferred.
On this head there was but little
difference of sentiment; for though
each one had a peculiar degree of
liking for raspberries, black-berries,
and whortle-berries, for apples,
plums, cherries, and hickory nuts,
there was an admirable unanimity
on the great questions, whether
peaches were not better than oran-
ges, and whether strawberries with
cream and sugar were not the great-
est luxury upon earth. Many in-
genious things were now said on the
prices of these articles, the best time
of the day or of the season to pur-
chase them; together with some
particular details of extravagance
and imposition in venders, and dex-
terity or credulity in buyers. The
transition was easy from this sub-
ject to vegetables, and each one's
liking and antipathies were given in
relation to potatoes, beets, carrots,
turnips, radishes, sallads, &c. &c.
Here again, while there was great
variety of sentiment on the merits
of the above roots, there was a most
cordial concurrence, and much elo-
quent encomium on the transcendant
excellence of young green peas......
Each one detailed her practice in
purchasing and eating this delicious
product. Some made it a rule never
to buy till they were eleven-pence
the half-peck. Some were careful
to buy a great quantity at a time,
but to buy them seldom, while others
bought them in smaller portions, but
constantly. Some lived upon them,
while in season, altogether; others
admitted them proportionally or oc-
casionally; while some were so un-
fortunate that their health required
them, after repeated trials, long de-
lays, and infinite reluctances, to re-
nounce them altogether.
The company now launched out
into judicious animadversions upon
house-keeping, and all its various
departments; of going to market,
managing servants, locking up pan-
tries, brushing furniture, and the
like. A great number of particu-
lars were detailed on each of these
heads; each one having of course
a practice and experience in some
respect peculiar to herself, and many
instructive anecdotes were related,
serving to explain the various systems
now in use. Much debate took place,
as to the preference of male or fe-
male servants; young or old; of
sending a servant to market, or go-
ing ourselves; of the comparative
merits of cellar kitchens, and kit-
chens on the upper floor, with the
respective advantages of different
habitations; each one giving the his-
tory of their own, including the time
of taking, the duration of their re-
sidence, and the vicissitudes in the
rent, and the resolutions formed, with
the motives giving rise to them, as
to remaining or removing; together
with the conduct and inducements
of each, as to dividing their time
between town and country, and of
the feelings either of terror or in-
difference with which each regarded
that periodical pest, the yellow
fever.
Hre the lady who had attempt-
ed, on a former occasion, though
without success, to introduce the
nightingale, endeavoured to draw
out the yellow fever into some re-
marks, as to the real influence, of
that disease, and of pestilence in ge-
neral, on public prosperity and pri-
vate happiness; but these abstruse
―189―
and insipid topics instantly gave
place to eloquent narrations of par-
ticular cases of head-ach and tooth-
ach; in which, as two men, one of
whom at least had ears, were pre-
sent, great care was taken to steer
clear of all feminine and sexual
causes of complaint. Had the ladies
been alone, no doubt the discussions
on this head would have taken a
turn much more minutely and per-
sonally interesting.
After a while, the conversation
coming to a pause, one asked an-
other, who had lately arrived from
New York, how she was pleased
with that city? There followed
upon this hint, very copious and
animated displays of the compara-
tive merits of the two cities, to
which all present contributed in pro-
portion to their actual or hearsay
information. On these interesting
points, the variety of opinion was
boundless: the battery and its salt
airs and sea prospects came in for
a large share of encomium, but to
which of the two cities, as to its
walks and environs, its churches
and theatres, the preference was
due upon the whole, was a question
handled with much ardour. The
principal grace urged in favour of
New York was its boundless hospi-
tality, while poor Philadelphia was
but feebly defended from the charge
of being egregiously deficient in this
virtue, and several instances were
recounted greatly to the dishonour
of its inhabitants. An enquiry as to
which city contained the greatest
quantity of female beauty, brought
upon the carpet many disquisitions
on beauty in general, and particular
portraits of ladies, either abounding
or deficient in this inestimable com-
modity.
As beauty is justly supposed to be
greatly indebted to ornament and
dress, the transition was obvious
and easy to the merits and demerits
of the reigning fashion, in cutting
robes, adjusting hair, and trimming
hats, together with a critical review
of the style of embellishment pecu-
liar to each lady of their acquain-
tance, and the cost of this article
and that.
All this variety of matter by no
means exhausted the company, for
they had still a half hour to be-
stow very busily, in settling the pre-
sent state of the whole circle of their
friends, male and female, on the
subject of love and marriage; all
the matches at present impending
were counted up, and their degree
of forwardness examined; and af-
ter a copious detail of unrequited
loves and abortive courtships, the
visit winded up with “Please give
me my hat and my shawl,” and
“What's your haste? 'tis still very
early."
After this account which I gave to
my deaf friend, I had much trouble in
defending the ladies from the charges
which he uncivilly brought against
them, of employing the divine faculty
of speech upon nothing, or worse than
nothing. The ladies, however, must
not mistake me; I only mean that I
had much trouble to convince him;
merely to advance unanswerable
arguments in their favour, was a
very easy task. The importance
and dignity of these topics are easily
established; while it is impossible
to prove that the themes which
sometimes occupy the attention of
those who call themselves the learn-
ed and the wise, are not truly insig-
nificant and worthless.
Of what moment, for example,
can it be to any woman in her social
or domestic character; what in-
struction can she possibly derive in
performing the incessant and re-
spectable duties of a mother and
mistress of a family, and of a mem-
ber of society, from settling the style
of dressing the hair, or furnishing a
house, which prevailed three hun-
dred years ago, or a thousand miles
off? All the science of Newton,
could not be exchanged in market
for a pound of butter; a woman had
much better know nothing about the
population of China, than to be igno-
rant of the contents of her hen-coop,
or her egg-basket. A single gold-
finch in one's cage is worth all the
―190―
ostriches in Zaara, and all the night-
ingales in Europe; and she who
should suffer her squirrel to perish
by neglect, while absorbed in weigh-
ing the merits and supplying the de-
fects of the zoological arrangements
of Linnæus, would be worthy of
something sharper than ridicule. It
is of far greater moment to know the
current wages of a cook, or the
qualifications of a nurse, a laund-
ress, or a butcher, than to be a
perfect judge of the merits of Ci-
cero or Cæsar, or to be acquaint-
ed with the revenue of the Turkish
or British empires. Trenton or
New York, she may one day visit,
or even make it her permanent
abode. Surely then her curiosity
is far more natural and judicious
respecting the circumstances of that
city, than those of Lima or Aleppo.
A broken pane in her bed-chamber,
or a fit of the tooth-ach, is more
justly the object of her attention,
because it more immediately and
materially affects her own welfare,
than the earthquake which swal-
lowed up seven cities seven thou-
sand miles off, or Justinian's plague,
which killed half the human race a
dozen centuries ago.
Such topics as occurred in the
above conversation all relate to the
actual condition of the talkers, to
subjects which must oftenest occur to,
and most nearly affect every human
being, which fall under their imme-
diate observation, and as to which
every one present has some know-
ledge and some interest. How little
reason, therefore, is there in the ar-
rogant contempt and imagined su-
periority of those who call them-
selves the learned; who busy them-
selves about things which have no
relation to their own condition, which
happened at distant times or in re-
mote regions, and of which there-
fore it is impossible to gain any pre-
cise or satisfactory knowledge. It
is an old though not a trite remark,
that the education of women, in
most respects, embraces nothing but
what is useful to them, and which
they can turn to prompt and con-
tinual account in their passage
through life; while that of men is
occupied with solemn trifles and
cumbrous pedantry. The most va-
luable years of our youth are com-
monly spent in acquiring sciences or
languages, incapable of any useful
application in our course through
the world, and seldom even contri-
buting to our solitary amusement,
since they are soon supplanted in
the memory by objects to which
necessity confines our attention.